It’s not every day that I get the opportunity to photograph someone, besides myself, so important as President Bill Clinton.

I mean, while working for the paper I photographed several people who wanted to be president, but they all turned out to be losers.

But a little while ago I got my big break. Bill (as the secret service don’t want you to call him) was scheduled to speak at a health conference nearby and after a heated bidding war I got hired to cover the event!

Job description: photograph attendees eating broccoli, attendees exercising, scientists and doctors giving their speeches… and meet Bill Clinton and make a portrait of him with various political VIP’s and become best friends forever!!!

So.

On the morning of the conference I met with his secret service, and they knew my name right away-- just by looking at me! This was blowing my mind until I remembered that I was wearing a name tag.

I gave the men in black a bunch of personal information for a "security check" and let them look at my impressive camera equipment.

Then I waited. And waited. And Bill’s not here yet. He’s supposed to be here. A staff person comes in to say he just got up and will be leaving his hideout shortly.

Finally Bill arrived and it was pretty awesome. I didn’t get tackled by security even though I was sooo close to Bill, and I got some sweet shots of his speech.


But I knew the best part was coming up—when I get to shake his hand and ask him to smile and turn a little to the left please Mr. President and then we’re best friends and he and Hill send me Christmas cards every year.

So.

I go back stage after the speech to get Bill and he's not there. He must be in the VIP room with all the VIP's already. So I head down the hallway, make a right, and almost run smack into a secret service agent who asks what I'm doing.

"What am I doing? Excuse me? Do you even know who I am?" I say.

Ok I didn't say that but I could have.

The SSA tells me sorry, but the prez has left the building (and gone to McDonalds) because he has another engagement and doesn't have time for photos.

I thought about pushing past her and the 4 suits behind her, but I was on the clock and had to remain professional.

So I didn't get to meet Bill after all. But I have to admit that after all the spinach and wheat germ they made us eat at the health conference, I wanted a Big Mac pretty badly, too.

On the bright side, I did get to hang with a senator, the Surgeon General, and the Secretary of Health. I have a feeling me and Sebelius are gonna be tight like spandex.

Ladies, let's talk.

Guys, listen and agree. Well really, how about all of you agree. Cool.

If you haven't been keeping up, by the way, I quit my newspaper job and now work at a photography studio in the "big city." I spend all day in photoshop, re-touching photos. And the more time I spend at work, "fixing" female clients' faces, the more I realize how absolutely ridiculous the whole thing is.

These women are young, wealthy and beautiful. They go to the spa where someone does their hair and makeup. They have shopping assistants. They have diamond rings bigger than my car.

But every single one of them hates some part of their body enough to tell some random girl (me) to get rid of it.

Ladies, does your chin ever triple during a good laugh? Anyone have smile lines? Neck creases? Or those little lines on the outside of your eyes? Do you have that one part of your upper arm that refuses to stay toned? Yeah?

SO DOES EVERY HUMAN FEMALE.

This is not an exaggeration. This is the truth. We actually have a "usual" set of digital cosmetic surgeries that I perform on every female client. Because they all have identical "problems."

I have a theory. Women think they are uglier than average because they have no idea what average is! Because of people like me! Ahh!

Technology is great and everything, but photoshop has done more to make women feel horrible about themselves than Proverbs 31.

You really, truly don't know what's been done to a photo or video during editing. I mean, if I can do this in 10mins to Janet Reno:

(before)


(after)

Then what do you think the pervs at Maxim can do to celebs in their twenties?

Ms. Reno has had a virtual
- Botox injection
- Face lift
- Chin lift
- Neck tuck
- Teeth whitening
- Lip augmentation
- Haircut/color
- Makeup job thing

.. and just for kicks, I did a rough draft of Janet sans glasses.



Sisters, help your fellow sisters out and burn a Cosmo today.

It's not that I didn't try to call. I mean, at least I thought about you while I was gone. It's just that, well, there's not a whole lot of free wi-fi in Yemen.

Oh, did I not mention how I've been ... on tour ?

Yeah that's right. I was on tour. Doing important things. Like what, you ask?

LIKE THIS!

Scuba diving for ancient artifacts that belong in a museum!

Busting a real-live drug deal in the buff.

Busting Justin out of Alcatraz afterwards (mistaken identity).


Going to senior prom.

Breaking into the secret war tunnels!

And of course, washing the cat.

My sisters came to visit me this weekend! It was fun. We saw all the major sites and historical monuments.

Unfortunately it was spring break so pretty much everything in a 20-mile radius of my house was closed. We were done with the tour in about 30 minutes.

But, being the eldest sibling, I was able to coerce them into modeling for me!

Justin never models for me. He says it's boring and lame. This has become a problem in our marriage, so if one of our pastor friends could give Justin a call and let him know that God says he's wrong that would be great.

Anyway, back to the models. Let me just say, for you "gentlemen" and "good 'ol boys" out there, that these girls are OFF the market.

Please, don't forget that I know how to use a gun.

Introducing...

Rachel, the poor neglected middle child:




Megan, the get-away-with-murder youngest child:


Like, seriously. I will kill you.