"Beautiful" "People"

Ladies, let's talk.

Guys, listen and agree. Well really, how about all of you agree. Cool.

If you haven't been keeping up, by the way, I quit my newspaper job and now work at a photography studio in the "big city." I spend all day in photoshop, re-touching photos. And the more time I spend at work, "fixing" female clients' faces, the more I realize how absolutely ridiculous the whole thing is.

These women are young, wealthy and beautiful. They go to the spa where someone does their hair and makeup. They have shopping assistants. They have diamond rings bigger than my car.

But every single one of them hates some part of their body enough to tell some random girl (me) to get rid of it.

Ladies, does your chin ever triple during a good laugh? Anyone have smile lines? Neck creases? Or those little lines on the outside of your eyes? Do you have that one part of your upper arm that refuses to stay toned? Yeah?

SO DOES EVERY HUMAN FEMALE.

This is not an exaggeration. This is the truth. We actually have a "usual" set of digital cosmetic surgeries that I perform on every female client. Because they all have identical "problems."

I have a theory. Women think they are uglier than average because they have no idea what average is! Because of people like me! Ahh!

Technology is great and everything, but photoshop has done more to make women feel horrible about themselves than Proverbs 31.

You really, truly don't know what's been done to a photo or video during editing. I mean, if I can do this in 10mins to Janet Reno:

(before)


(after)

Then what do you think the pervs at Maxim can do to celebs in their twenties?

Ms. Reno has had a virtual
- Botox injection
- Face lift
- Chin lift
- Neck tuck
- Teeth whitening
- Lip augmentation
- Haircut/color
- Makeup job thing

.. and just for kicks, I did a rough draft of Janet sans glasses.



Sisters, help your fellow sisters out and burn a Cosmo today.

Shut up, Internet

It's not that I didn't try to call. I mean, at least I thought about you while I was gone. It's just that, well, there's not a whole lot of free wi-fi in Yemen.

Oh, did I not mention how I've been ... on tour ?

Yeah that's right. I was on tour. Doing important things. Like what, you ask?

LIKE THIS!

Scuba diving for ancient artifacts that belong in a museum!

Busting a real-live drug deal in the buff.

Busting Justin out of Alcatraz afterwards (mistaken identity).


Going to senior prom.

Breaking into the secret war tunnels!

And of course, washing the cat.

Whew. I got tired just looking at all that important busyness. And thinking about all those impossible-to-guess wireless network passwords.

But here I am, Internet, so you and Justin can quitcher whining and get over it.

P.S. I love you

Sisters

My sisters came to visit me this weekend! It was fun. We saw all the major sites and historical monuments.

Unfortunately it was spring break so pretty much everything in a 20-mile radius of my house was closed. We were done with the tour in about 30 minutes.

But, being the eldest sibling, I was able to coerce them into modeling for me!

Justin never models for me. He says it's boring and lame. This has become a problem in our marriage, so if one of our pastor friends could give Justin a call and let him know that God says he's wrong that would be great.

Anyway, back to the models. Let me just say, for you "gentlemen" and "good 'ol boys" out there, that these girls are OFF the market.

Please, don't forget that I know how to use a gun.

Introducing...

Rachel, the poor neglected middle child:




Megan, the get-away-with-murder youngest child:


Like, seriously. I will kill you.

I disagree

Every single photograph I took as a journalist was pure, paper-selling gold. I mean, pretty much everyone agrees that even when I forgot to turn the flash on that one time at the meeting and came back with a black photo, it was still a pretty accurate description of the state of our county. But sometimes my editor actually disagreed with me (and like, the whole world). I know. Crazy.

Well you know what? I disagree with your disagreement, editor!

And now that I have a blog, those photos can finally get the print and publicity they deserve.

I'm not posting the no-flash ones, though. They're a little deep for this medium.

Anyway, on to my disagreement...

Game DayI was told to go get an out-of-the-ordinary photograph for the first football game of the season. This was my favorite. I do wish I had a zoom lens with me so I could have climbed something high to get a cooler angle. Still, I like it.I thought it was a better choice than the look-at-all-the-orange-stuff-everywhere photo that we went with.


Final Salute
A local hero of a policeman died, and I'm telling you, every officer in the county showed up for the funeral. I could only get about 1/3 of the officer line in the photo. This is one of those pictures you have to expect and wait for. I'm still annoyed that my boss did not feel the emotion I thought I captured here. I mean, I guess funerals being sad is not a new thing, but man, it was sad, and I still feel a little down looking at this one.


The InsurgencyThis photo was taken during my special assignment as an embedded reporter in Iraq.
Sike.
I know, I got you. Don't worry about it. This is actually some bad-ass ROTC training that I noticed whilst driving by the army building. After I snapped this photo I put the camera down, picked up the AK-M-4whatever and showed 'em how it's done.

I totally paused!

I get in trouble with the law sometimes.

That's a photo of my section of me and Justin's filing cabinet. Justin does not have a "citations" file.

As you can see, I do.

Here's the thing. Sometimes the law is wrong. Sometimes you have to park in reserved spaces or private lots or, you know, grass.

The law doesn't understand this. Neither do cops. And apparently when you get pulled over for "disregarding a stop sign," smiling all pretty-like doesn't get you crap!

Here's the other thing: I totally paused!

My ticket makes it sound like I put the pedal to the metal upon seeing that damned red octagon. But in reality, if you were there, you would have seen my vehicle slow down CONSIDERABLY before continuing on through.

Hence, total pausing. No "disregarding."

But like I said, the law never understands these things, and neither did the judge on my court date, that nerd-face.

So I return once and once again to that bitter manila folder, thick with baneful blue and pink papers. And though I am weary with injustice, downtrodden and desolate with despair, I am comforted by the wisdom of Aristotle:

"The law is reason-free.
Plus, cops are stupid."

I'm freaking famous!

Raise your hand if you're on the cover of TIME magazine!

Yeah, um... I guess you're gonna have to imagine me raising my hand. Because I'm on the cover of TIME magazine!

Gentlemen, behold!

And before ruining my time basking in my importance with false accusations, check tha link: http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20080225,00.html

P.S.

Internet,

It has been brought to my attention that I was not clear in my previous post. So I would like to make it clear for all the cynics that the reason I know John McCain hates grits and all things American is because I took the photo and I eavesdropped (this was before I stood on my newsroom desk and gave everyone the finger). Eavesdropping should be on my resume. I'm good at it.

Here's what happened after the grits incident:

That's beloved McCain opting for wing sauce and chicken fingers over grits!

And then he gave a speech about politics or international affairs or something way less interesting:

Jealous?