Hell to the YES

The "SS" in "Secret Service" stands for "So Stupid"

2009-10-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

It’s not every day that I get the opportunity to photograph someone, besides myself, so important as President Bill Clinton.

I mean, while working for the paper I photographed several people who wanted to be president, but they all turned out to be losers.

But a little while ago I got my big break. Bill (as the secret service don’t want you to call him) was scheduled to speak at a health conference nearby and after a heated bidding war I got hired to cover the event!

Job description: photograph attendees eating broccoli, attendees exercising, scientists and doctors giving their speeches… and meet Bill Clinton and make a portrait of him with various political VIP’s and become best friends forever!!!

So.

On the morning of the conference I met with his secret service, and they knew my name right away-- just by looking at me! This was blowing my mind until I remembered that I was wearing a name tag.

I gave the men in black a bunch of personal information for a "security check" and let them look at my impressive camera equipment.

Then I waited. And waited. And Bill’s not here yet. He’s supposed to be here. A staff person comes in to say he just got up and will be leaving his hideout shortly.

Finally Bill arrived and it was pretty awesome. I didn’t get tackled by security even though I was sooo close to Bill, and I got some sweet shots of his speech.

But I knew the best part was coming up—when I get to shake his hand and ask him to smile and turn a little to the left please Mr. President and then we’re best friends and he and Hill send me Christmas cards every year.

So.

I go back stage after the speech to get Bill and he's not there. He must be in the VIP room with all the VIP's already. So I head down the hallway, make a right, and almost run smack into a secret service agent who asks what I'm doing.

"What am I doing? Excuse me? Do you even know who I am?" I say.

Ok I didn't say that but I could have.

The SSA tells me sorry, but the prez has left the building (and gone to McDonalds) because he has another engagement and doesn't have time for photos.

I thought about pushing past her and the 4 suits behind her, but I was on the clock and had to remain professional.

So I didn't get to meet Bill after all. But I have to admit that after all the spinach and wheat germ they made us eat at the health conference, I wanted a Big Mac pretty badly, too.

On the bright side, I did get to hang with a senator, the Surgeon General, and the Secretary of Health. I have a feeling me and Sebelius are gonna be tight like spandex.

An announcement

2009-07-09T21:42:00.001-07:00

Members of the Internet:

I feel we need to clear some things up.

I won't begin in any particular spot. I know you know that I know that you noticed my prolonged absence here. Well what I have found on this blog is that sometimes one desperately needs a break.

I had a conversation with Maebe this morning about my love of the Appalachian Trail. Some of you think I’ve been in the Appalachians during this time, but that is not the truth. And I’ve let you down on that front.

So I would like to throw in some apologies to you, my readers, my jewels and blessings. I would also like to apologize to my dear dear friends. And um, to the people of faith across South Carolina, or for that matter, across the nation. I know you’re reading, nation.

Ok, I would also like to apologize to Smokey the Bear because I think he lives in the Appalachians. And I’m sorry Maebe, for allowing you to think that I was going to let you chase mountain squirrels, the most delicious of all squirrels.

But I’m a bottom-line kind of girl. So the bottom line is this:

I have been unfaithful to my blog.

I developed a relationship that began very innocently, as I suspect many of these things do. But over this last year, it developed into something much more than that. There were sparks and birds singing on a hill. And love all around. And as a consequence, I hurt my blog. I hurt you all. And all I can say is that I apologize.

But I can't say it didn't mean anything. It was a tragic love story - a smokin' hot tragic love story - but a love story nonetheless.

Many people have wondered if I plan on resigning my blog. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching on that front.

What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily as only awesome people do. He fell in very, very significant ways because he was so, so important like me. But then he picked up the pieces and built from there. And then just look at all the awesome stuff he got to do anyway.

I remain committed to rebuilding the trust that has been committed to me, and it is my hope that I am able to follow the example set by David in the Bible. By being a rockstar blogger, I will ultimately better serve in every area of my life, not just my personal freaktasticness, and I am committed to doing so.

It begins with a quest for humility. It ends in Top Gun* glory.

*wherein I am Maverick, not Goose (loser).

"Beautiful" "People"

2008-07-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ladies, let's talk.

Guys, listen and agree. Well really, how about all of you agree. Cool.

If you haven't been keeping up, by the way, I quit my newspaper job and now work at a photography studio in the "big city." I spend all day in photoshop, re-touching photos. And the more time I spend at work, "fixing" female clients' faces, the more I realize how absolutely ridiculous the whole thing is.

These women are young, wealthy and beautiful. They go to the spa where someone does their hair and makeup. They have shopping assistants. They have diamond rings bigger than my car.

But every single one of them hates some part of their body enough to tell some random girl (me) to get rid of it.

Ladies, does your chin ever triple during a good laugh? Anyone have smile lines? Neck creases? Or those little lines on the outside of your eyes? Do you have that one part of your upper arm that refuses to stay toned? Yeah?

SO DOES EVERY HUMAN FEMALE.

This is not an exaggeration. This is the truth. We actually have a "usual" set of digital cosmetic surgeries that I perform on every female client. Because they all have identical "problems."

I have a theory. Women think they are uglier than average because they have no idea what average is! Because of people like me! Ahh!

Technology is great and everything, but photoshop has done more to make women feel horrible about themselves than Proverbs 31.

You really, truly don't know what's been done to a photo or video during editing. I mean, if I can do this in 10mins to Janet Reno:

(before)

(after)

Then what do you think the pervs at Maxim can do to celebs in their twenties?

Ms. Reno has had a virtual
- Botox injection
- Face lift
- Chin lift
- Neck tuck
- Teeth whitening
- Lip augmentation
- Haircut/color
- Makeup job thing

.. and just for kicks, I did a rough draft of Janet sans glasses.

Sisters, help your fellow sisters out and burn a Cosmo today.

Shut up, Internet

2008-06-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's not that I didn't try to call. I mean, at least I thought about you while I was gone. It's just that, well, there's not a whole lot of free wi-fi in Yemen.

Oh, did I not mention how I've been ... on tour ?

Yeah that's right. I was on tour. Doing important things. Like what, you ask?

LIKE THIS!

Scuba diving for ancient artifacts that belong in a museum!

Busting a real-live drug deal in the buff.

Busting Justin out of Alcatraz afterwards (mistaken identity).

Going to senior prom.

Breaking into the secret war tunnels!

And of course, washing the cat.

Whew. I got tired just looking at all that important busyness. And thinking about all those impossible-to-guess wireless network passwords.

But here I am, Internet, so you and Justin can quitcher whining and get over it.

P.S. I love you

Sisters

2008-03-24T14:10:00.001-07:00

My sisters came to visit me this weekend! It was fun. We saw all the major sites and historical monuments.

Unfortunately it was spring break so pretty much everything in a 20-mile radius of my house was closed. We were done with the tour in about 30 minutes.

But, being the eldest sibling, I was able to coerce them into modeling for me!

Justin never models for me. He says it's boring and lame. This has become a problem in our marriage, so if one of our pastor friends could give Justin a call and let him know that God says he's wrong that would be great.

Anyway, back to the models. Let me just say, for you "gentlemen" and "good 'ol boys" out there, that these girls are OFF the market.

Please, don't forget that I know how to use a gun.

Introducing...

Rachel, the poor neglected middle child:

Megan, the get-away-with-murder youngest child:

Like, seriously. I will kill you.

I disagree

2008-03-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Every single photograph I took as a journalist was pure, paper-selling gold. I mean, pretty much everyone agrees that even when I forgot to turn the flash on that one time at the meeting and came back with a black photo, it was still a pretty accurate description of the state of our county. But sometimes my editor actually disagreed with me (and like, the whole world). I know. Crazy.

Well you know what? I disagree with your disagreement, editor!

And now that I have a blog, those photos can finally get the print and publicity they deserve.

I'm not posting the no-flash ones, though. They're a little deep for this medium.

Anyway, on to my disagreement...

Game DayI was told to go get an out-of-the-ordinary photograph for the first football game of the season. This was my favorite. I do wish I had a zoom lens with me so I could have climbed something high to get a cooler angle. Still, I like it.I thought it was a better choice than the look-at-all-the-orange-stuff-everywhere photo that we went with.

Final Salute
A local hero of a policeman died, and I'm telling you, every officer in the county showed up for the funeral. I could only get about 1/3 of the officer line in the photo. This is one of those pictures you have to expect and wait for. I'm still annoyed that my boss did not feel the emotion I thought I captured here. I mean, I guess funerals being sad is not a new thing, but man, it was sad, and I still feel a little down looking at this one.

The InsurgencyThis photo was taken during my special assignment as an embedded reporter in Iraq.
Sike.
I know, I got you. Don't worry about it. This is actually some bad-ass ROTC training that I noticed whilst driving by the army building. After I snapped this photo I put the camera down, picked up the AK-M-4whatever and showed 'em how it's done.

I totally paused!

2008-03-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

I get in trouble with the law sometimes.

That's a photo of my section of me and Justin's filing cabinet. Justin does not have a "citations" file.

As you can see, I do.

Here's the thing. Sometimes the law is wrong. Sometimes you have to park in reserved spaces or private lots or, you know, grass.

The law doesn't understand this. Neither do cops. And apparently when you get pulled over for "disregarding a stop sign," smiling all pretty-like doesn't get you crap!

Here's the other thing: I totally paused!

My ticket makes it sound like I put the pedal to the metal upon seeing that damned red octagon. But in reality, if you were there, you would have seen my vehicle slow down CONSIDERABLY before continuing on through.

Hence, total pausing. No "disregarding."

But like I said, the law never understands these things, and neither did the judge on my court date, that nerd-face.

So I return once and once again to that bitter manila folder, thick with baneful blue and pink papers. And though I am weary with injustice, downtrodden and desolate with despair, I am comforted by the wisdom of Aristotle:

"The law is reason-free.
Plus, cops are stupid."

I'm freaking famous!

2008-02-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you're on the cover of TIME magazine!

Yeah, um... I guess you're gonna have to imagine me raising my hand. Because I'm on the cover of TIME magazine!

Gentlemen, behold!

And before ruining my time basking in my importance with false accusations, check tha link: http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20080225,00.html

P.S.

2008-02-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

Internet,

It has been brought to my attention that I was not clear in my previous post. So I would like to make it clear for all the cynics that the reason I know John McCain hates grits and all things American is because I took the photo and I eavesdropped (this was before I stood on my newsroom desk and gave everyone the finger). Eavesdropping should be on my resume. I'm good at it.

Here's what happened after the grits incident:

That's beloved McCain opting for wing sauce and chicken fingers over grits!

And then he gave a speech about politics or international affairs or something way less interesting:

Jealous?

People, Jesus Needs Your Help

2008-02-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

If I had known a scoop like this existed I would have never left the force.

McCain, Dirt and Grits

2008-02-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's still election season which means there's plenty of room for more hardcore political reporting. You won't find any sickeningly-sweet baby-kissing here, folks. Only the cold, hard, unrelenting truth. And a little dirt.

Yes dirt!

So Southern republicans, you just LOVE John McCain, don't ya? Couldn't get enough of him so you voted for him in practically every primary?

Well!

I have first-hand photos and eavesdropping quotes from your precious candidate that will BLOW YOUR MIND.

Look - Read - Weep:

McCain: What's that?
Lucky guy on left: Those are grits.
McCain: I thought so. You've gotta have grits in South Carolina right?
LGOL: Yep, guess so. I like 'em. You gonna try some?
McCain: Ah... I don't think so.

BAM. There you have it, Internet. John McCain=Grits Hater=Girls Raised In The South hater=Lord knows what else!

And you people voted for him. Suckas.

I Like Mike?

2008-01-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Actually, I like Chuck, but it's not as catchy sounding. And from this photo, he's OBVIOUSLY in love with me. I probably would have broken his heart if it wasn't made of kryptonite.

Yep, a hardcore political analyst, I went to see Chuck Norris and Ric Flair at the Mike Huckabee rally with the Sawyers and a thousand college kids.

Among other important and relevant topics, I took some cutting-edge video of Mr. Norris discussing his workout time with Huckabee. I'm not kidding-- it's posted below if you're curious (listen for the guy screaming "Total Body Gym!").

Unfortunately my camera missed the best thing I've ever heard a for-serious presidential candidate say:

"You may be wondering why I brought Chuck Norris and Ric Flair with me today. Well you see, when I'm your next president, I'm going to have to appoint a Secretary of Defense and a Secretary of Homeland Security!"
--Mike Huckabee, for-serious United States Presidential Candidate

God bless America.

Thanks, Google

2008-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

I like to keep pretty up-to-date with pop culture (for anthropological and journalistic purposes, obviously), so when I heard that a Scientology video tape featuring Tom Cruise was leaked onto the Internet, I had to read about it and see it for myself. You know, for science.

But of course, Google always knows what I'm really looking for...

(It's worth the click to enlarge)

Kiss my ass, 2008

2008-01-10T13:59:00.001-08:00

My New Years resolution:

I'm not gonna take any crap from anybody.

As I thought about the past year, I realized I've let the world off the hook for far too long. Not anymore.

Here's the old me taking all kinds of crap in 2007:

Me: "You just keep working and I'll get some candid shots, sound good?"
Man: "You're pretty."
Me: "um... yeah ok..."

Me: "Can I take your picture for the paper?"
Good ole boy: "How about I take your picture?"
Me: "No thanks, I'll just get yours."

Me: "Excuse me, can I take a photo of you and your kids for the newspaper?
Woman: "Are you a photographer?"
Me: "Yes."
Woman: "Wow, are you old enough to be a photographer?"
Me: " . . . "

Can you believe that crap!? I'm telling you, those people were lucky they met me in 2007. Because in 2008, post-resolution, things would have gone quite differently...

Man: "You're pretty."
Me: "Kiss my ass."

Good ole boy: "How about I take your picture?"
Me: "How about you kiss my ass?"

Woman: "Wow, are you old enough to be a photographer?"
Me: "Wow, are you young enough to have two toddlers?"
or
"I might be young, but at least I can read!" (thanks Amy)
or
"KISS MY ASS!"

Top Four

2007-11-29T16:51:00.000-08:00

So, a lot of guys in my blogoshpere have been posting their musical top-whatever lists and I feel left out because I haven't done a top-anything list. I wanna do one. I am doing one. It's happening right now!

TOP FOUR CRIME SCENES
4. Clemson receives an impressive three bomb threats in one week via email.

This is Sikes Hall, where police half-heartedly try to keep students away during the first threat. The second two were for Sirrine Hall, but nothing blew up and police never caught the perp, so why post another picture. That's why this isn't number one.

3. Family business goes bust.

...more like BUSTED. This "Happy Trails" (yes, the neighborhood name) homemade meth lab produced enough toxic vapor to require everyone within 50 feet of it to wear a gas mask. Which makes the fact that the home's residents had no idea where the drugs came from just puzzling. If you wanna know how to make some yourself, I guess you can use the stuff on the ground in the photo.

2. Oconee County pulls an Alice's Restaurant operation.

The feds call local police to tell them that a man in the area is wanted for violating federal PAROLE. The man doesn't want to leave his house to go back to jail. So naturally everyone on the street is evacuated while the US Marshals, SWAT team and bomb squad don automatic rifles and throw tear gas grenades and eye ball video cameras into the man's home.

1. Crazy man reports self.

A slightly delusional man living in the mountains grabs a gun, goes outside and fires a couple rounds. Suddenly startled, the man rushes inside to call police and tells them, "I heard close-range gunshots in my backyard. No, I don't see anybody around."
The SWAT team and at least 20 other law enforcement vehicles arrives to find the man walking around his yard shooting his gun at nothing in particular. Realizing where the gunshots originated, the SWAT team spends three hours separating the gun from the man so police can take him to the hospital for evaluation.
We called it a standoff in the paper.
.

Second thing's... later

2007-11-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

Internet,

As you surely know, I quit my job last week. I stood on my desk, gave everyone the finger and walked out. It was way awesome.

But that's not what this post is about. You see, on my last day, while driving around to get the scoop, I ran into something that shocked even me:

How can Hardee's call a drink that's BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD a "medium?!"

It's freaking ridiculous and I think I may be offended. Mostly because it did not fit in my Porsche cup holders.
.

First things first

2007-11-07T05:27:00.000-08:00

After weeks of animal shelter visits and a lot of talk... we got a kitten!!!

Justin has had some deep theological conversations with her already.

She's a little feisty...

But sometimes she loves the camera.

What do we name her?!?

.

Eat it, nerds!

2007-10-17T11:29:00.002-07:00

Justin's and my anniversary is coming up, and we've been talking about getting each other presents, and I just feel like, how in the world could I top what I made for his birthday?

That's right nerds, it's a circuit board cake. And it was good.

P4WNED!
.

Friends, There Are No Words

2007-10-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

Knuckle boom boom went my heart

2007-10-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

As I said in my previous post, I cover some pretty major stuff at the paper. One of my beats, if you will, is a city we'll call Halla (pronounced "HOLLA!").

A couple weeks ago Halla Public Works purchased a knuckle boom truck. Basically, it's a garbage truck with a mechanical arm that can pick up tree limbs, couches, etc.

This purchase was the talk of the town.

Being a responsible journalist, I set off to take some photos. I met the very nice knuckle boom drivers, and they worked extra slowly to allow me time to get all the shots I needed.

When I returned to my office the next day, I had a new voice mail. I still have the precious recording, and would like to share the transcript with you:

(Begin HEAVY rural Southern accent)

Hi, this is **** from Halla Public Works.
I saw your article, and it, it was real good.
I think it turned out real nice, and good.
Um, I don't know if you're engaged, or single,
or whatever, but I thought maybe you'd like to
go on a date with me, you know, sometime.
So please gimme a call at 555-5555 ...
... Ok so, again, this is **** from public works
and I wanna know if you wanna go on a date with me.

(/heavy rural Southern accent)

Jealous?

Dear World,

2007-09-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

Hi. The name's Erin. The job, well, the job's a crusade . I'm a news man, see. A photographer for a cutting-edge newspaper. We dish the plain facts and the straight talk. We don't have time for frills because, damnit, we're on deadline. I've seen fires, government cover-ups, and turkeys that tried to race me to one of my big scoops!

Jealous?

Don't be. My life is knock hard; lived in pursuit of the honest truth and the people's right to know. It may seem like the G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S now, but hopefully this web log will show you how dumb you were for thinking that. Sorry, that was the hardened journalist coming out. I hope we can still be friends.